Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
And it starts….! Tax season is here, and there is not getting around it. I really hope many of you do get intaxicated this year, because that might the only personal stimulus plan we currently have. Until you see that big number deposited into your account, you never realize how much was skimmed from your paycheck over the last 52 weeks. it is so worth the time to fill in those little numbers in your tax prep software, or into those little slots on your 1040A if you are doing your taxes old skool. Seeing that big number you get when you add up deductions, write-offs, and business expenses is really the beginning of intaxication. Filing that report gives you the relief that you know it is done for now, but that the big money high will be coming along later, on a cash card, as a check, or by direct deposit. You will whoop and holler when you see that big number, and start listing all the fun things you will do, or all the great things you will buy with that refund, but then you will come to terms with it. It was your money, you just did not get it all at one time like you are doing now. There’s nothing like some reality to stop you from being intaxicated.
Cinemuck – n. The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters.
So what exactly is this sticky stuff my sneakers under my sneakers when I go to sit down in my fluffy stadium seat at the Regency 11 Theater? That is CINEMUCK! It’s a thin sticky film that coats the non-carpeted part of the floor in the movie theatre you came into. It’s an unknown ratio of several kinds of movie theater snacks, the biggest part of which is soda pop, which give the perfect base for other items like popcorn, Goobers, Jujubes, and Raisinets to adhere to. You never really think about the cinemuck while you are watching the movie, and possibly adding more goo to its mixture while you enjoy the show. You could care less about where you are being entertained while you are being entertained. The cinemuck, on the other hand, is always going to be there, absorbing more concession fuel as it grows under your feet. You will remember the cinemuck when the movie is over, and the rubber soles of your shoes are a little bit stuck to the floor, but that feeling leaves as soon as you find the sanctuary of the carpet, and the cinemuck is forgotten about until you visit the theatre again. No matter what theater it is, from a single screen, one night showing in a tiny town, to a Multiplex 32 in a huge megalopolis of a city, one thing is always the same. The cinemuck, and the stuff that made it come together.
Naval Coffee (nay-vul kaw-fee) n. Coffee so strong it’ll float an anchor.
Have you ever been lucky or unlucky enough to have ever had Naval Coffee? This beverage can be a blessing or a curse. If you like that so strong it will keep you up for a week or more kind of brew, and you take it black, the coffee gods have answered your prayers. If you are the kind of person who likes their coffee blond and sweet with some kind of trendy flavouring in it, then Naval Coffee is going to be a poison to you. My personal preference? Bring it on! The stronger the better. I’m a coffee purist, and I’ve had the crispy camp coffee, and the smooth everyday brew I make at the house, but for those who want that big kick, when one little shot of espresso just won’t do, then enjoy that Naval Coffee along with the rest of us coffee purists. Bring it in from the four corners of the earth, Sumatra, Kenya AA, Kona, and Jamacian Blue Mountain, because we like it that way! Can you believe it’s 10:40 PM, and I’m raving about the world’s strongest coffee? I guess I just might be overdue for that late night caffeine buzz that will make it a later night, and taste so much better than Red Bull.
Flotta Factor (flah’ ta fak’ tur) – n. The proven scientific fact that at a self-service pump, the last ten cents take longer to reach the tank than the first twelve dollars’ worth.
No matter what season, the flotta factor kicks in, no matter where you are in this big land of ours. Some people try to drain every drop from that gasoline hose, and it they must be very patient to get that last ten cents in. Some get close enough to the planned $20 in 60 seconds flat to get to the $19.90 mark and figure, “Meh… so the C-store owner gets an extra ten cents from me.” Not exactly sure who is who out there when it comes to these gas-pumping techniques, but be sure, as long as we have self service as a standard now, that last ten cents will always take forever to get into your tank. Yes, I do miss the full service days when gas $.50 a gallon and the mingling scents of glass cleaner and fresh petroleum products in the air, and we’ll never see such things again. At least thinking on that nostalgia will give you something to do while you wait for that last ten cents to get into your tank. Far too much time has been wasted on the roads thanks to the Flotta Factor.
Chorecast (chor-cæst) n. A particularly bad weather forecast that implies shoveling or scraping ice from a windshield.
It is mid-January, and those of you living north of…. Montgomery, Alabama, at least for this winter season, have most likely been dealing with this sniglet every day. Those little plastic scrapers that uncover the snow and ice from your car windows so you can see to drive in the frigid mornings to any place you would rather not be, like to school or work,when you still want to be under the mounds of quilts, comforters and furry pets that keep you warmer than any cup of hot coffee or cocoa can. You will most likely be rolling your eyes again when you hear tonight’s Chorecast on the 6 o’clock news tonight even. Frost? Freeze? Snow? Freezing Rain? Aren’t you sick of it already? We have another two or so weeks before Puxtahawney Phil comes out to tell us if we get an early spring, but just remember, the coldest month of the year isn’t even here yet. Bring on the scrapers, window sweepers and rock salt, because it’s not over till Mother Nature says it is, and we never know what she might have in store for us. Here’s hoping you don’t have a Chorecast tonight, because that’s less time you can spend scraping windows, and more time you can spend in your warm bed.