Pawtrauma – v. the sound of a cat’s scratching claws on your outside windowpane, which is not unlike “Chalktrauma“.
Tap, tap, tap…. scritch, scritch, scritch… you know what they want! Those cats want in for some noms, some fun, or maybe just for some snuggles. They are going to enter your house when you give into the sound of pawtrauma, and take you into their kawaii zone. From bathing in the sun all day to coming in with frosty paws on a winters’ night, they will make you give into the pawtrauma, because this sound is so annoying, you have no choice but to make it stop. The sound of one cat doing this will make the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end, but if you have multiple cats creating a pawtrauma chorus, just out of you chair and let those felines in now! They will not give up until they get what they want. Your dog might think he’s human, but your cat was once revered as a god, and cats never forget this, and they want to make sure you never forget it either. If you do, you might someday become the victim of Clawtrauma, but that’s a different sniglet for a different day.
Eddihate – v. To turn off the stereo or television set when a Crazy Eddie commercial appears.
As it is the weekend, and much of the better TV viewing or radio shows come on during these times, it seemed it was time to bring up the subject of Eddihate. Eddihate has gone beyond the simple Crazy Eddie style commercial. We used to hit the mute button when that annoying guy from Allied Discount Tires or whatever local business owner with the overly loud and obnoxious voice would come on. That was just one local guy, and his ads would usually run during newshour reports, or late night. Sometimes his ads might be on the radio as well, but if you were lucky enough to get one of those stations that ran 5-hour music marathons, you could avoid Crazy Eddie altogether if you timed your listening time properly. There’s a new kind of Eddithate now, and it goes farther than any Crazy Eddie ads ever did. Now its hate for just about any prescription drug that they might make an ad for, any kind of male enhancement potion, call it what you will, and other VERY LOUD ADS! that are naught but ear spam. Congress and the FCC might even be helping regular media viewers take on their Eddihate, but till we have to stop using our mute buttons, keep on hating the Crazy Eddie ads, because they aren’t crazy any more, they are infinitely insane!
Seagull Manager (see-guhl mæn-ij-er) n. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
We’ve all worked with this kind of person, and we know what kind of a headache they can be. Swooping down into the office, making that awful noise, “Drivel! Drivel! Drivel!” and “No! No! No!” They can see no good in anything anyone does, and if you are unlucky enough to see their SUV parked outside before you actually do head into work, you will usually roll your eyes and say, “Aw, hell no!” when you are walking up to the door. The Seagull Manager is one of those people who tend to drive some high end Stupid Ugly Vehicle, and the whole of the office is often left with these puzzling questions whenever they show up. “How in the hell did this idiot get this job?” or “How did this guy make enough money to afford that Stupid Ugly Vehicle?” Somehow, through using Mummy and Daddy’s money and paying off some desperate nerd to help him cheat on the SAT to get into high end university, the Seagull Manager landed in a position over everyone. So, if you are very lucky enough to develop telepathic abilities in your daily office life, don’t be surprised to see little fantasies of murder and mayhem starring the Seagull Manager as the victim in your co-workers minds.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
And it starts….! Tax season is here, and there is not getting around it. I really hope many of you do get intaxicated this year, because that might the only personal stimulus plan we currently have. Until you see that big number deposited into your account, you never realize how much was skimmed from your paycheck over the last 52 weeks. it is so worth the time to fill in those little numbers in your tax prep software, or into those little slots on your 1040A if you are doing your taxes old skool. Seeing that big number you get when you add up deductions, write-offs, and business expenses is really the beginning of intaxication. Filing that report gives you the relief that you know it is done for now, but that the big money high will be coming along later, on a cash card, as a check, or by direct deposit. You will whoop and holler when you see that big number, and start listing all the fun things you will do, or all the great things you will buy with that refund, but then you will come to terms with it. It was your money, you just did not get it all at one time like you are doing now. There’s nothing like some reality to stop you from being intaxicated.
Cinemuck – n. The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters.
So what exactly is this sticky stuff my sneakers under my sneakers when I go to sit down in my fluffy stadium seat at the Regency 11 Theater? That is CINEMUCK! It’s a thin sticky film that coats the non-carpeted part of the floor in the movie theatre you came into. It’s an unknown ratio of several kinds of movie theater snacks, the biggest part of which is soda pop, which give the perfect base for other items like popcorn, Goobers, Jujubes, and Raisinets to adhere to. You never really think about the cinemuck while you are watching the movie, and possibly adding more goo to its mixture while you enjoy the show. You could care less about where you are being entertained while you are being entertained. The cinemuck, on the other hand, is always going to be there, absorbing more concession fuel as it grows under your feet. You will remember the cinemuck when the movie is over, and the rubber soles of your shoes are a little bit stuck to the floor, but that feeling leaves as soon as you find the sanctuary of the carpet, and the cinemuck is forgotten about until you visit the theatre again. No matter what theater it is, from a single screen, one night showing in a tiny town, to a Multiplex 32 in a huge megalopolis of a city, one thing is always the same. The cinemuck, and the stuff that made it come together.