vendage (ven’dej) a. (n.) The age, usually unknown, of over-processed food items found in common vending machines.
Most every workplace has them, and many schools, too. Those vending machines, but while the drink machines tend to get used often and their stock is replaced frequently, some other vending machines are not seen to as much. These usually contain candy, chips, baked goods with so many preservatives, they will most likely turn up on Life After People as something that will even outlive Mt. Rushmore and cockroaches. This is when you question the vendage of certain coin machine items. Some of those items might not even be sold in normal stores anymore. When was the last time anyone actually saw a Zagnut bar? Oh, Hershey still makes them, but with that awful mix of coconut and peanutbutter, it is no wonder that the vendage of that certain item that has been sitting in said vending machine since 1985 or earlier would be questionable. Then there are the baked goods, the Hostess cakes, or honey buns that come from some obscure snack cake bakery no one has ever heard of. These items are fill with so much fake sugar and transfats, you know they will be able to handle over a decade of sitting in a vending machine, but they usually don’t. If you must drop quarters into those machines today, make sure you check the dates on the items you buy. If the vendage is questionable, then ingesting the item or items will most likely be, too.
TWINKIDUE (twin’ kee dew) n. The residue on the inside of the wrapper that every junk food addict eventually gets to.
Twinkidue not only happens with Twinkies, but most any kind of snack cake that has that gooey vanilla buttercreme filling. Well, used to anyway. Not only is there the creme, but the gooey sticky cake that sticks to the little card that is inserted into the package to keep the cakes from falling apart. With all that sweet creme in the middle, something has to hold it together. Sadly, no big snack cake bakery corporation has found a way to make a true buttercreme filling, but that does not keep junk food junkies and sugar fiends from going after the twinkidue. So, no matter if it’s cupcakes, hoho’s, twinkies, zingers, or even snowballs, if you love that stuff, you are going to savour every bite, including the twinkidue. Thousands of kids across the world will be running their fingers over the paper card in order to get that last bit of cake-stuff to go with their last swallow of chocolate milk during lunch break. Travellers will take on the twinkidue as the drive down the highways, and guzzle it down with colas, frappechinos, and citrusy sports drinks that taste purely like A. chemicals or B. Kool-Aid from the Hood (Opt for Flavour B!). There might even be some tea involved in taking down those cakes, but make sure that you get every drop of the twinkidue, because you won’t know when you will get to do it again.