Exaspirin (eks as’ prin) – n. Any bottle of pain reliever with an impossible-to-remove cotton wad at the top.
With summer, often comes many sinus headaches caused by allergies, or many of the low pressure weather systems that cross the country, from the frontline running for the northwest to the east, and the hurricanes coming up from the tropical Atlantic that tend to go wherever they want to go. Many of these headache sufferers will reach for the pain relievers, from nsaids to old fashioned willow bark extract, more commonly known as aspirin. There has always been a catch to getting to the good, though. Getting past that big wad of cotton that is placed in the pill bottle, and that is what an exaspirin. Getting that wad of cotton out could cause a headache, let alone the one you might already have due to whatever is bearing down on you at the moment. Not only do you have to deal with the cotton, but thanks to some whackjob whom decided to put cyanide in some bottles of acetaminophen back in the early 80s, you also have to get past that foil seal as well. It might be quicker to pour yourself a shot of whiskey or even brew up some willow bark tea to lose that pain in your head. Sadly, even though eventually the pain in your head will go away, but the exaspirins never will.
Discombebopulated – Whenever you are driving along and you can’t find a house, and you have the address in your hand, and you can’t find the address, so you turn the radio down
Being discombebopulated is a really a state of confusion that can only happen at a certain time and place, but it has never really been studied as to why it happens. It often happens on the way to parties or dates, or other various social gatherings. For some reason, we are driving along, but even though we really do not need our ears to find the place we are looking for, since searching for an address is purely a visual aspect, but we turn down the car radio anyway. It’s another one of those modern mysteries that seems to only happen in the Western, well, maybe even Far Eastern world, too. So why do we feel the need to turn down the sound when we are looking for a place we don’t know the way to? Will some kind of magical all-seeing GPS enter our minds as we enjoy the silence? Why didn’t we enter this address into the GPS anyway? Well, many of us don’t have them. Sometimes, the low tech way of doing things will never die, and being discombebopulated is just part of the territory.
Chwads (chwadz) – n. The small, disgusting wads of chewed gum commonly found beneath table and counter tops.
Chwads are something we don’t usually see, but we know they are there. In school, we tend to find them under desks, which might be one of the many reason we really should not be chewing gum in class, let alone the fact that it might end up in someone’s hair. In casual restaurants and diners, people, for some stupid reason, will put the gum under the table rather than wrapping it up in one of the many paper napkins freely offered on the table. In theatres, they are just part of the cinemuck, but this kind sticks to the seat, and not to the floor. Chwads come in many different flavours, but most of us are too grossed out by them to find out what kind. We usually leave that to the bugs to find out. If the ants want that bubblegum, let them have it. If a palmetto bug wants minty fresh breath, by all means, have a go at it, but do it late at night when no one is there to see it, and get even further grossed out by it. We can get grossed out enough by watch movies like Piranha, or playing games like Amnesia. There are always going to be chwads everywhere, just do your best not to add to their population.
So many men in their 40s through and beyond are still seeing a balderdash everyday, or for a shorter version, a fralp (forehead + scalp = fralp). There are some ways to combat this. Some of those overpriced prescription vanity pills, or special kinds of shampoos or mousses. If a man still has courage, he could take the balderdash all the way for that Egyptian priest look that was so popular five thousand years ago, or even on the metal band, Disturbed, now. Chasing a balderdash does not have to be a challenge, with all the ways a man can catch it these days. Be careful of those days in the summer sun if you do have a balderdash. Lack of a good sunscreen at a Central Florida themepark in the summer can lead to a balderdash of many shades of red, from pale pink to dark magenta, and yes, I have seen this happen! These poor British guys just were not ready the havoc the Orlando sunshine will do to wreck their skin. So guys, cover up that cueball this summer with something, and if you must chase the balderdash, from the inside (Propecia) or outside (Rogaine), be sure to have some sunscreen as a back up until you catch it.
Aeropalmics (ayr o palm’ iks) – n. The study of wind resistance conducted by holding a cupped hand out the car window.
Summer breeze makes you feel fine and…. makes you want to study aeropalmics. Not exactly sure when this science was first taken up, but people have been doing it for decades. Some of us merely rest our elbows on the open window, but some of us just have to see how many times the rush of speeding air against our cupped hands will rotate as we are driving down interstates or country roads. Sometimes it is a sight to see, driving behind two people on either side of the car that are studying aeropalmics. the viewer sees a car with two rotating arms from either side of the car, and it makes for a cute photo op. Most anyone whom can reach high enough to get their arm out the car window has attempted to study aeropalmics in their own fashion, because there really is no wrong way of doing it. There are never any readings taken, and this study is down purely for fun, and usually out of boredom. How many of us will be studying aeropalmics today on our commute home from work or class? Depending on where you might be, probably many.